Archive for May, 2011


The Kaelin Cleanse… A Play By Play


Say friends,

I recently decided to participate in a full body transformation.  Yes, I am changing into a block of cheese as my human form no longer interests me the way that dairy does.  I am shooting for blue cheese as I am very fashion forward and have an acute sense of smell that finds Stilton alluring.

In all seriousness, I have been battling health issues for sometime now – unequal parts surgical diagnosis, my own damn doing and that to which is completely unexplained.  Either way, over the last few weeks my most magnificent partner Ravara and I have been discussing and re-discussing the idea of a natural cleanse to which I had for the most part written off before even trying or experiencing; figuring that I could not possibly benefit from said detox and in fact might find this irrational reprogramming of one’s self to be more destructive than good.  Reason being, I had tried several forms of medicine and alternative medicines over the last 22 months, consulted several doctors and surgeons, and overhauled my diet (no really i did) to try and exercise the demonic plague with in my stomach and various neighbouring organs.

Anyway, I clearly felt is was more important to listen to Ravara (happy wife = happy life) as she sold me on the idea and I know what the hell is good for me.  SO, I thought I would document (in brief) the goings on and perhaps at the end of the 9 day experiment/ diet/ sacrifice I will summarize in such a heart felt manner I will have you the reader crying such a emotional river of tears you will need to gather two of each species and build a boat for safety sake.


  • All fun aborted
  • Food substance includes veggies, fruits, nuts, and these cool drinks that are like tea but aren’t tea.
  • Tea drink leaves a weird black scum at the bottom of mug
  • No meals for the day, just grazing (moo)
  •  Must drink a minimum of 8 glasses of water for the day
  • Every glass I had included two lemon wedges. If you’re looking to lose weight & get rid of excess body fat, think of citrus as the Batman to your fat cells Joker.
  • By 10pm I was at the Albion and hanging in
  • By midnight I was tired and felt my stomach changing shape – literally – strange noises (no emissions) followed but I stayed the course and Funked out with my man the DMS (Who by the way was very supportive by offering me beer as a tasty beverage)
  • Home and exhausted and hungry by 2:38am.
  • Asleep by 3:00am


More to come as I am on Day 4 but I am tired and need to sleep.

Love you